Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Found in Kindness is not a Sacrifice
Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.
Found in Kindness is not a Sacrifice
Filed Under How To, Relationships
Tell me what company thou keepst, and I'll tell thee what thou art.
-Miguel de Cervantes
The value of having supportive friends and associates can scarcely be overestimated.
- from Step 4 of my post, How to Change Who You Are.
Perhaps the most difficult challenge we face when we resolve to make positive changes in our lives is that, often times, our existing friends, family and associates are unable or unwilling to support us. Sometimes they don’t understand the resolutions we are making, or they don’t understand how or why it is important to us. They may be non-supportive at best and condescending at worst.
One moment, we might feel inspired and hopeful about our new direction in life, and the next moment we feel alienated and discouraged. Unless we are exceptionally strong and stubborn, alienation from those people we care about can drain our inspiration and pull us back to the same old lifestyle habits. And even the most persistent stubbornness can only sustain us for so long before draining our energy.
The problem is that we’ve built our lives and our social networks around our existing lifestyle habits. We chose our friends because they reinforced those habits and made us feel comfortable, validated and safe. When we decide that we are going to change those habits, we are threatening that system. And if our friends and associates are not on the same path of change, we are threatening those relationships. It is inevitable that when we change the way we live, we change the way we interact and relate with others.
About 20 years ago, I was facing two unpleasant options. Either continue down the path of addiction which predictably ended in self-destruction, or make some serious changes in nearly every area of my life. The first path was familiar and comfortable to me. I knew that I would continue to experience misery, loneliness, failure and probably an early death. The second path was uncomfortable, unfamiliar and no one I associated with was taking it. I didn’t want to change everything about my life. I just wanted the misery to go away. I wanted to be able to set goals and actually achieve something rather than continuously alienating myself and making the same mistakes over and over again.
I soon learned that making long-lasting, significant change requires a deep commitment that begins with changing our social circle. When I reached out to a 12 step program for help, other members strongly suggested that if I wanted to be free from the burdens of addiction, I would have to let go of all ties to the people with whom I practiced my addiction and establish connections with people who are free from these practices. I use the phrase, “strongly suggested,” but the reality of the message delivered to me was this: “you will do this or your addiction will kill you.” In other words, do it or die. That’s a pretty strong “suggestion.”
This was the single most difficult thing for me to do. But I had seen so many others fail and end up in misery, living on the streets, in prison or dead, and in nearly every case, it was their failure to change their social circles that lead to the ultimate failure. Of course, witnessing this failure motivated me to give it a try. As a result, I have been free from the imprisonment of addiction since then.
In some ways, it may be easier to commit to such changes when you are dealing with a life threatening condition such as addiction. When simply faced with mediocrity and a desire for a better life, we have to work harder to keep ourselves inspired. However, our goal does not need to be quite as extreme. It is probably not necessary to drop all of our old associates and replace them with new ones if we’re simply trying to live a more inspired life. It is probably enough to start by associating with a few people who are more like the person we want to become. This should be enough to make us strong enough to face the non-supportive ones without allowing their negativity to influence us.
Making new friends can take time, patience and energy, but it can be rewarding and rejuvenating. In my case, I had the help of a 12-step fellowship with thousands of other addicts seeking the same path I was seeking. Not everyone has that option. So, here’s a quick list of other places to help you get started:
When establishing a support system, it is not necessary to focus on gathering a large group of people. Instead, just try to relate with others one-on-one. Normally, that is how social circles are built. You know someone; you meet some of their friends; you feel a connection with one of them; and in turn, you meet some of that person’s friends, etc. Even if a large social circle is not established, having a few good, supportive friendships is much more valuable than having many friends who are not supportive.
When establishing a support system, it is important to focus on what we can give. When we think about support systems, we may think about surrounding ourselves with people who will offer us support and guidance. However, if we focus too heavily on that aspect of the relationship, we may find that our friendship is too burdensome, and our friends may not have the energy or desire to keep giving.
When we give of ourselves to our friends and stay mindful of their needs, we experience joy and a deeper connection to that person. And, we help them become a stronger person who is more readily prepared to help us in our time of need.
Once we have supportive people in our lives, it will be much easier to practice the forth step to long lasting change:
Share your plans with others who will support your decision to change. This is especially helpful if shared with others who are making or have made similar changes. It may also help to avoid sharing with others who may not be supportive until you have achieved some success. The value of having supportive friends and associates can scarcely be overestimated.
-from How to Change Who You Are.
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I have never been contained except I made the prison
-Mary Evans
Sometimes when we try to make significant changes in our lives, we find ourselves drifting back to our old behaviors time and time again. This can be extremely baffling. We have a goal that we know we want to achieve, but for some reason, we keep sabotaging our plans. It’s as if there’s a force of desire within us to maintain our old ways that is overwhelmingly stronger than our force of desire to change.
Self-sabotage usually comes from an unconscious decision that the sacrifices we need to make for change are greater than the benefits. Since all change requires sacrifice, change can only be sustained if we believe that the benefits of the change outweigh the sacrifice.
This is good news for those of us who believe that we are not capable of making a change because we think we are too weak, unintelligent, undisciplined, etc. Because, the truth is, when we believe we have set our mind to a change, and then fail, it is not because we are incapable, it is because we have not truly set our mind to the change.
…well, why not?
There are a number of reasons why we fail to fully set our minds to a change. Here are a few very common reasons:
Since every change requires some sacrifice, if our goals don’t resonate deeply with our morals and values, if other priorities work against our goals, or if we believe we will fail, we will not feel that the sacrifice is worth making, and we will fail to maintain the change.
So, in order to follow through with and sustain the change that we desire in ourselves, we need to examine our morals and values to see very clearly how our goals resonate with them, examine and adjust our priorities to ensure that our goals fit our priorities, and recognize our ability to accomplish our goals.
This is the gist of Step 4 to long lasting change from my post, How To Change Who You Are, which reads as follows:
Examine your morals and values to make sure that the changes you are planning to make fit in with your motivations and priorities. Every choice you make requires you to sacrifice one thing for another. Sometimes that sacrifice is negligible; sometimes it’s significant. By consciously choosing the sacrifices you make, rather than saying, “I’ll figure it out somehow,” you’ll be much less likely to go back on your choices or lose motivation.
To examine your morals, values and priorities, ask yourself…
Ask yourself these questions without limiting your answers based on what you think is realistic. Anything is realistic if you are willing to take the necessary steps and make the necessary sacrifices to make it happen. We are not limited by our abilities as much as we are limited by our willingness to sacrifice what we have for what we could have. By answering the questions above, we can lift that limit and prepare ourselves for a sacrifice, knowing that the sacrifice will get us where we want to be.
If you have doubts about your capabilities, realize that when you have a deep, persistent desire in your heart to follow a certain path, that desire is a calling from God, your inner spirit, your subconscious, the universe, or wherever you draw your inspiration. A desire is an indication of purpose and a recognition of potential within you.
This belief about desires is a common theme amongst teachings of spiritual and philosophical leaders and religions and is evident in everyday life. It’s easy to recognize that those who love their jobs perform them with greater skill and efficiency than those who do not. And, those who love their lives accomplish more.
So, to eliminate self-sabotage and maintain sustainable changes, listen to your inner desires or calling, then prepare yourself for sacrifice by examining how your goals resonate with your motivations, so that you know fully that the sacrifice is worth making. Then, choose to make the sacrifice and follow your dreams knowing that you are on the right path for you.
In another post, I’ll be sharing a personal story about the limiting belief system I once had about what I was capable of accomplishing in life, and how those beliefs were shattered when I made some sacrifices to improve the condition I was in.
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Filed Under Nature
Happy Blog Action Day 2009. This year, the topic of Blog Action Day is Climate Change.
Our creative power is an awesome gift. There is no other animal on this planet that has the creative power to manipulate their environment the way that we can.
Along with that creative power, we have free will which enables us to exercise tremendous power over our environment. One one extreme, we can choose to use our power to be of service to one another and make the world a better place. On the other extreme, we can choose to use that power to pursue our selfish desires and make the world a worse place to live for everyone, including ourselves.
Most of us live somewhere in between those extremes, but the fact remains that most scientific evidence regarding climate change suggests that we will all need to shift our habits in the direction of environmental stewardship in order to avoid potentially catastrophic changes.
The problem for many of us is that it appears overwhelming to look at this global issue and imagine what we can do to make a difference. The fact is, we already are making a difference. Each one of us has an impact on the health of this planet, and each one of us is capable of changing the direction of that impact.
The good news is, most of the actions that we, as individuals, can take to have a positive impact on this issue are actions that are good for our own health, budget and/or level of inspiration. Here is a list of a few of those actions:
Whether we recognize our responsibility for our impact on this planet or not, the fact remains: we do have an impact. We can change that impact into a more positive one while improving our own lives and the lives of others by being conscious of that impact and making positive changes.
To read more about climate change and what you can do to help resolve this global issue, check out the Blog Action Day site. This is one of 7700+ blogs articles to be written on this topic today, and that number is expected to grow throughout the day [12,000]. If you’re a blogger and you want to participate, it’s not too late to sign up.
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Filed Under Choice, Motivation
You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.
-Jim Rohn
We live in a world of constant change. The only true constant in this life is change. Think about what your life was like seven years ago. Chances are it was quite different than it is today. Seven years from now, it will likely be completely different than it is now.
How we answer the first three questions will have a profound impact on the answer to the last question. There are two main types of forces that we can focus on: internal forces and external forces. Internal forces are those things within us: our thoughts, choices and actions. External forces are those things outside of us: circumstances, the actions of others, etc. The main distinction is that internal forces are those things over which we have control, and external forces are those over which we have little or no control.
Chances are, our lives became what they are today because of a combination of these two types of forces. However, it is almost always the case that the internal forces have the greatest impact by far. Our thoughts, choices and actions are not only capable of directly shaping our lives, but they also influence the external forces to which we are exposed.
There is tremendous power in this realization. As I had written as step 2 in How to Change Who You Are:
Realize that the life that you have today has developed into what it is because of your thoughts, choices and actions. This is an empowering realization as what naturally follows is the realization that you have the power to build the life you want tomorrow based on your thoughts, choices and actions today.
By focusing on those things that are within our control, we are able to focus our energy where it really matters, rather than wasting our energy on things outside of our control. Here is a list of ideas on how to maintain that focus and exercise control over our lives:
As the world continues to change and our lives inevitably continue to change with it, our power to shape those changes is rooted in our willingness to take responsibility for our own lives and to recognize our own power. God did not place us here as powerless beings to helplessly drift with the changes. Like God, we are creators. We create our own lives, and our creation has a ripple effect throughout the universe. Whether you choose to take responsibility for it or not, your presence is changing the universe. It’s up to you to decide to direct that change by taking responsibility for the state of your life or to deny that responsibility and allow your power to drift haphazardly.
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Filed Under Attitude, How To, Perspective, Wisdom
Humility is the only true wisdom by which we prepare our minds for all the possible changes of life.
-George Arliss
When we lack humility, we may often find ourselves humiliated. The challenge is that most of us want to feel that we have some power and importance in our own lives. The idea of lowering our importance to grow as a person may seem to go against our will to thrive and survive.
Practicing humility makes us teachable, and therefore wiser. It makes us better listeners and therefore more valuable friends. It allows us to examine ourselves and our personal traits without shame or judgment. It helps us get to know ourselves like never before. And, it opens up our hearts to the voice of God.
Humility is required to take the first step in my previous post, How to Change Who You Are:
Take responsibility for your actions as actions, not as a definition of who you are. This allows you to make objective, non-judgmental observations of yourself that lead to motivated activities rather than paralysis from shame.
Oxford American Dictionary defines humility as “a modest or low view of one’s own importance.” When we talk about humility as a spiritual principle, we’re talking about developing an honest, accurate and objective view of our importance in the universe. We might say that, through humility, we are developing an understanding of God’s view of us as individuals.
Humility is not low self-esteem. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. With humility, our self-esteem is not attached to our personal traits, physical appearance, wealth, shortcomings, assets or our past. Instead it is attached to the design of our creator who created us with a purpose and gives us the power to fulfill that purpose. With humility, we view ourselves as equals with other human beings.
Someone who practices humility rarely feels insecure or self-conscious. They unflinchingly take credit for that which they are responsible and give credit for that which they are not. Their self-esteem is stable and they are secure with who they are. They feel no need for competition. They learn from the opinions of others, but are not shaken by them.
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Filed Under How To, Motivation, Perspective
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
-Teilhard de Chardin
Changing the things that make us who we are seems to be a daunting and impossible challenge. We may often have moments of inspiration and motivation when we stand up to the person we were and take on life with a whole new perspective. Eventually we find ourselves slipping back into our old ways and becoming, once again, that person we tried to get away from being.
This may drain our hope and inspiration and, worst of all, fill us with shame about who we are. Shame drains our motivation and leads to self-loathing. And, if we loath ourselves, why would we want to do anything good for someone we loath?
The first step to changing who you are is to realize that you can’t. …So, why am I writing about changing who we are if it can’t be done? Because, I’m hoping to change your perspective. What we really need to change is not who we are but what we do.
This may seem like an irrelevant, semantic distinction, but when we define who we are by our behaviors, we present ourselves with a huge barrier. For instance, if I define myself as a slacker, I have to become someone who I am not in order to become motivated. If I, instead, recognize myself as a good person with potential to change and grow who struggles with motivation, then I can face the struggle instead of trying to work against my identity.
Another obstacle we face when identifying ourselves with our behavior is that it becomes a difficult, and possibly humiliating, process just to face the truth about our responsibility in our life situations. We may make excuses about why we’re not exercising everyday because we don’t want to experience the pain of identifying ourselves as lazy or wimpy. Instead, we can simply face the objective truth that we have not made exercise a priority, and then we gain the power to examine and change our priorities.
One way to get a glimpse of who we are is to look at our morals, values and motivations. These can help define who we are and what we can achieve and are often at odds with how we actually behave. But, on the surface, even these things can change over time. We don’t usually make a conscious decision to change our values, rather they change over time with experience.
The unchanging definition of who we are lies within our hearts. Each of us has a deep inner voice, or spirit, which guides our thoughts and decisions when we choose to listen. It is when we choose not to listen that we find ourselves confused and discontented with who we are.
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Filed Under Beliefs
It is from within the heart, not just the mind, that we can know God's will for us. God speaks to all of us every day and God's voice is as loud as our willingness to listen.
-Mary Manin Morrissey
Any of us who have practiced any type of religion know how confusing it can be to try to decipher and remember all of the seemingly arbitrary rules that religion can impose on us. We want to live within God’s will for us, but at times it seems nearly impossible to know what that means.
Religious texts often focus on mundane details about the food we eat, the cloths we wear, the length of our hair, the way we pray or worship, or how to act on particular days of the week or calendar day. Cultural changes and the evolution of language make it especially difficult to translate and interpret the context and meaning of texts written thousands of years ago.
Many theologians and religious scholars devote their entire lives to interpreting the meaning of religious texts. Yet, we still face uncertainties and ambiguities which often fuel divisiveness and conflict between and within religious groups.
So, what happens if we miss something? What if something gets misinterpreted in translation? What if we follow the wrong denomination or sect? Will God condemn us? Will we fail to receive the full benefits of our relationship with God? If so, it seems that God’s gifts are available to very few.
A lone, wild daisy in the rough.
A common theme that appears in nearly every religion is that to live God’s will, we must live in love. All of the confusing and seemingly arbitrary rules exist to keep us inline with the principles of love. When the thoughts and action of our lives are a reflection of our love for God, ourselves and each other, we will be living God’s will.
Jesus Christ’s Apostle, Paul, repeats this theme multiple times:
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not covet,’ and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
When we truly love others, naturally, we will not rob, kill or harm them in any way. Our actions will be charitable. And, our hearts will be fulfilled, thus removing any tendency toward materialism, greed or judgment.
The Buddha stated that one who removes barriers to love and lives in love has no need for rules or laws. Their behavior would be naturally virtuous:
All rule and ritual left behind, all
karma blamable and praiseworthy, not
concerning himself with cleansing nor
with stains may one freely fare.
A Course In Miracles takes this a step further by asserting that God and Love are synonymous. And, since we were created by God, God’s love exists in us. We need only remove the barriers to love and we are one with God:
God is but love, and therefore, so am I.
We were born with the ability to recognize good and bad. The need for rules and rituals exists only when we are distracted from our hearts. Most rules of religion aim to remove these distractions. By living in accordance with the principles of love, we can simplify our search for God’s will and know that we are manifesting what God wants.
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